The Incidential Tourist
There are incidental tourists, accidental tourists and those who should never travel at all. Having been in the travel industry for over 20 years, I can tell you that the customer isn't always right, is sometimes outright wrong, and occasionally deserves to be bitten on the nose;
"Why is it raining"?
"Because its the wet season. It has done this every summer for the last 360 million years. When did you book?"
I recently dealt with a couple who were travelling internationally with a toddler, 12 large pieces of luggage and two prams - it appeared the little darling sometimes disliked the blue model, so they put him in the brown one.
I love tourists. I really do. They pay my wages and allow me the most beautiful lifestyle - most of the time. They turned my hobby into a job, took me to places I'd never have seen and offered me stories and music I'd never had heard.
"Did I tell you that I can't eat onions?" (It is evening one of a four-day outback safari - no towns, shops and all the tucker's on the roof-rack). I am going to be cooking on an open camp-fire for a group of eight and I suddenly find she can't eat onions. Try cooking in the Australian outback without onions. I manage it somehow and only overhear on the last day of the trip that, apparently, ladies break wind on average 10 times per day. If she eats onions it brings her average up to 14 or more, and she wanted to stay lady-like. Forgive me - I'm just a mug tour guide and don't know how to express my feeling into words.
"Why is it raining"?
"Because its the wet season. It has done this every summer for the last 360 million years. When did you book?"
I recently dealt with a couple who were travelling internationally with a toddler, 12 large pieces of luggage and two prams - it appeared the little darling sometimes disliked the blue model, so they put him in the brown one.
I love tourists. I really do. They pay my wages and allow me the most beautiful lifestyle - most of the time. They turned my hobby into a job, took me to places I'd never have seen and offered me stories and music I'd never had heard.
"Did I tell you that I can't eat onions?" (It is evening one of a four-day outback safari - no towns, shops and all the tucker's on the roof-rack). I am going to be cooking on an open camp-fire for a group of eight and I suddenly find she can't eat onions. Try cooking in the Australian outback without onions. I manage it somehow and only overhear on the last day of the trip that, apparently, ladies break wind on average 10 times per day. If she eats onions it brings her average up to 14 or more, and she wanted to stay lady-like. Forgive me - I'm just a mug tour guide and don't know how to express my feeling into words.
Dear tourist, if you have a dietary requirement we will bend-over-backwards to accommodate it, be it health, religion or the cosmic influence of Jupiter. But some advance notice would be nice.
Then there were the blokes to whom I handed foam stubby coolers, saying to them, "these are for your beers", into which they promptly poured their beers. Pity about that little hole in the bottom.
And you know how kookaburras have their parliamentary sessions each arvo? Well, what are they talking about? Had to admit that while I'm pretty good on crow and willy-wagtail, I don't speak a lot of kooka.
People who are terrified of butterflies shouldn't book on all-day jungle walks!
Then there was the lady who saw the Southern Cross for the first time and commented, "Wow! Its just like on your flag!"
Without doubt though, the greatest offenders are those who travel to simply compare my little patch with what they have at home: "Our hills are greener, our trees are taller, our deserts are drier, our rain is wetter..." and then, "Oh my God! Those rituals are positively pagan!"
Some people really should stay home, and it would so many other people if they did. Talk to your driver, your guide, your concierge, your house keeper. For every story you have about horrible treatment or service, they have hundreds about tourists who never really got what they deserved. And as for the other 99.9 per cent of you, I have just one word: WELCOME
From the travel section of "The Weekend Australian", May 01, 2004
Then there were the blokes to whom I handed foam stubby coolers, saying to them, "these are for your beers", into which they promptly poured their beers. Pity about that little hole in the bottom.
And you know how kookaburras have their parliamentary sessions each arvo? Well, what are they talking about? Had to admit that while I'm pretty good on crow and willy-wagtail, I don't speak a lot of kooka.
People who are terrified of butterflies shouldn't book on all-day jungle walks!
Then there was the lady who saw the Southern Cross for the first time and commented, "Wow! Its just like on your flag!"
Without doubt though, the greatest offenders are those who travel to simply compare my little patch with what they have at home: "Our hills are greener, our trees are taller, our deserts are drier, our rain is wetter..." and then, "Oh my God! Those rituals are positively pagan!"
Some people really should stay home, and it would so many other people if they did. Talk to your driver, your guide, your concierge, your house keeper. For every story you have about horrible treatment or service, they have hundreds about tourists who never really got what they deserved. And as for the other 99.9 per cent of you, I have just one word: WELCOME
From the travel section of "The Weekend Australian", May 01, 2004
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